Midlife Identity Shift 

Setting The Context

Identity is the story we tell ourselves about who we are. This includes our attributes like, “successful,” “responsible,” “too sensitive, “resilient,” and our roles like, “mother” or “executive.” It includes repeated habits and behaviors as well as values and priorities. 

While identity isn’t set for life, it does become a well-worn groove in the habit-loving brain. We default towards the familiar because this primitive part of our brain equates sameness with safety.

This is one reason why the natural evolution of our identity as we age is often referred to as a crisis. The ego becomes alarmed at the notion of its seeming dissolution. The soul cries out for authenticity. We’re often confronted with the discord of our inner life and decades of outer conformity. The greater the discord, the more crisis-like it can feel. You wake up and realize you’ve been living someone else’s life, on someone else’s terms, for someone else’s gain.

Psychologist Benjamin Hardy describes your identity as your story and your standards. In the context of identity, he also says that the past, present and future are not on a timeline, but that each informs the other. The present can inform the past because we can reframe the stories we’ve been telling ourselves about it. This is where identity comes from. We can also influence the future, again by choosing the story we wish to tell.

Influence of others On Our Identity & Claiming it Back

Oftentimes, identity comes from others - our family and the larger culture. People are contagious. Not just the germs, but the beliefs, moods, energy and even physical habits such as posture and hand gestures. One of the most effective ways to change your identity is to consciously choose to spend time with people who affirm and reinforce who you are becoming, not who you’ve been. People who align with who you want to become in this next phase of life. You don’t have to ditch lifelong friends and long term partners, but you may want to pad out your social circle with this future focus in mind. 

A Personal Story

Identity also comes from within, and it may simply no longer fit. As I grow through midlife, I’m starting to notice that the coping strategies, personas, and habits I thought were “me” were just armor, not my essence. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I’m the person who…” Or, “that’s just how I am.” These are pointers to this identity armor. 

I have a big, scary one I’ll share, even though it feels scary to do so. “I’m a solo pilot.” I go it alone, my ego tells me because I’m independent, need my freedom and like to go fast and be spontaneous. As I sit with this story, I realize what I’ve been doing is keeping myself from deep intimacy. It’s a big piece of armor that tends to settle around my heart and my left shoulder area. It feels like a cast iron manhole cover. I know that my breath and my attention are softening agents. So I sit with this heaviness and breathe. It softens, old stories bubble up, faded images of who I was surface and I sit with it as it morphs and dissolves. Underneath feels like baby skin. The soft pink skin that shows just after a scab has fallen off. It’s tender but it’s also more pliable, more healthy, more alive. 

What’s a story you’ve been telling yourself about yourself?

The Turn Around &  Way Forward

One of the many wonders of aging is the opportunity to reinvent oneself again and again. Once we have a map and recognize the protective inclination not to, we can go forth with this great big adventure. Have fun with it. Laugh at ourselves for being so serious, so caught, so afraid. 

So the question is dear one, who are you becoming? You get to decide. Quiet gardener. World traveller. Retreat owner. World changer. World’s best grandma. Expert baker. Trusted advisor. Composer. Painter. Author. Wisdom keeper. Bee keeper. Entrepreneurial wizard. Or, just…wizard. 

There’s a natural tendency to revert to familiar ways when faced with the discomfort of change. But change requires an identity shift. Change is not possible without becoming the person who embodies that change. 

And here’s the paradox. You can only become your future self by fully being your present self.

This is a soul-deep reckoning, but it’s not the end of the road. You are stepping out onto a new path - one that leads to a deeper, richer, more meaningful life. 

Since we’re not given a clear path by the patriarchy, we find ourselves wandering in the woods, seeking our own path. This is why solitude, time in nature and developing intuitive abilities are so valuable at this time of life. It gives us time to know and follow inner guidance, to take the time to stretch into a new outfit, so to speak. To reclaim our Truth. 

It can be hard to shed aspects of identity, especially if they are connected to social and professional status. This can also be tough because wisdom, stories and carefully crafted values don’t appeal to the productivity fetish and youth worship of  the dominant culture. The dominant culture doesn’t value elders. So we must create that value within ourselves. 

You have agency. You are in the driver’s seat of this change. Don’t wait until “someday” to be calm, bold, sovereign, creative, magnetic, wise. Practice being her now. In your breath. In your next decision. In your daily rituals.

Remember this is the year of the snake, according to Chinese astrology. You are supported in shedding your old skin. This can feel vulnerable. That fresh new skin is tender. You may feel exposed as the familiar identity sloughs off. But it’s better than trying to stay in an old dried up version that no longer fits. 

This is sovereignty. Reclaiming your life. I see it more as a threshold, or a sacred unraveling, than a crisis. 

Our culture is undergoing a dramatic shift. We have the freedom and the right to direct the outcome of this shift. So let’s shift, shall we? Here’s a manifesto to help us along. Consider this a cultural counterspell to the patriarchy. Repeat it often.

The Sacred Shift Manifesto

This is the moment we say: I refuse to disappear.

I will not contort myself to stay palatable.
I will not keep hustling to earn my worth.
I will not play the role society gave me if it no longer fits.

Instead:

I will slow down, listen deeply, and live truthfully.
I will reclaim eldership as a path of power, beauty, and service.
I will guide others, not from ego, but from presence.
I will honor my rhythm, not override it.

This is how we bring the wisdom era back—one woman, one circle, one conscious business at a time. Wise old crone medicine is powerful. It’s the medicine for what ails us in these times. As we shed our outdated identities we regain the power and sovereignty that come from living in alignment with our own deep knowing—unapologetic, unhurried, and rooted in truth.